Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Mad Skills

My son and I were driving down the highway several years ago and we saw what appeared to be a carload of gangbangers driving what appeared to be their grandmother's car. We started laughing at them and joking about how funny it would be if there was a tv show called 'Pimp My Granny Car'. He said they could have old ladies on the show talking about their mad skills and sweet hook-ups. It thoroughly cracked me up and now my quest in life is to get as many mad skills and sweet hook-ups as I can. I'm going to share a few of them with you today.

Okay, first: I can run in high heels! You may applaud now. Let me just qualify this by saying that I could do this when I was in my 20s. But I have no reason to believe that I can't still do it. Sure, the knees aren't as steady as they used to be but I'm sure in a pinch, I could still run in those stilettos. I said I could, so don't argue with me!! I'm going with it. Besides, if I was ever being chased I would just take off the damn shoe and hit my attacker with it! So get off my back about not being in my 20s anymore!

Allright, moving on.....I can change the drum bearing in my dryer. I did that almost 10 years ago and the dryer is going right now as I type. That saved my husband hundreds of dollars! He's not very mechanical so he would have had to hire someone or buy a new one. I did it one day while he was at work. It took me all day. I had the whole thing in pieces all over my kitchen floor. It was quite exciting. When my husband came home, I told him what I had done. His response was "huh, okay, what's for dinnner?" What's for dinner??!? I don't think you unserstand what I had to go through! He was very lukewarm. Then, I had to replace the sink faucet in my son's bathroom. He was home when I did that and you probably know there's really nothing to it. He gushed!! For hours! What? And the dryer was a big nothing to you? Whatever. I, and now you know the heroic actions I took that day!

Hmmmm..... let's see, what else. I can change the oil and battery in a tractor. I can change the battery in my truck. I can break a horse. I can cook (not that I really want to, but I can). I can back a trailer. I can perform minor surgery on myself. I just did that last night. I had the absolute biggest splinter in my hand. It was HUGE!! It went through the base of my middle finger and into my ring finger. I had to use a razor blade to cut it out. Surgery. I had to spend the evening in recovery. That's what I told my family.

I can knit a scarf and a big, damn sweater. Baby blankets too. I can catch a chicken. I can do a spinning reverse crescent kick and downward facing dog. And.....I can blow out my hair better than my current stylist thanks to my previous stylist! I can replace a swimming pool motor and sing (but only while I'm alone and in the car.)

Oh there are other things, like eating a whole pint of ice cream in one sitting but I want to leave you in suspense so I'll leave you waiting for that. There's a cliffhanger for you. Okay, gotta go get those clothes out of the dryer....

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